MY SUCCESS MY PARENTS MY FAILURE MY DEFIANCE

I believe miracles happen, they really happen in this world and it can be happened with anybody. My whole stay from arrival in UK to departure from UK was not less than a miracle which converted a defiant child to the most obedient child; arrogant to down to earth person of a family, society.

Some of the inspiring incidents happened in front of my eyes. I was getting positive vibes at that time and I was feeling something is attracting me to look towards them, observe them and realize.

2-12-2012, evening time, I was in a grocery store in Southend-On-Sea looking for stuff suddenly I heard a very soft, polite voice of a very decent, beautiful, seemed educated white, 21-23 years old girl asking for permission from her mum by showing the product to buy some stuff. Her mum considering better for her, replied with "No" politely. In response, the girl smiled and complied by putting that thing back on its position. That moment was really mesmerizing, inspiring for me. I moved towards them, met with them and shared with them my nice and respected feelings about them and praised her daughter's obedience.

During travelling, I often used to observe and smile and feel pleasant, nice when parents cuddling their children and moving their hands on their kid's face, head very softly, kindly, tenderly. Some parents have to travel in standing position by holding the buggy of their child along-with keeping an eye on his/her safety while he/she does not even need to think about how they are travelling while sitting in buggy or in the lap of parent or playing with the toy with full comfort, relaxation. I used to observe how parents, especially mothers have to remained all the time with their children with tenderness, kindness. They have to sometimes lift the buggy. One day while waiting for tube at Notting hill gate station I saw a lady checking her 4-5 months old baby's shoe, she took it out, checked from everywhere and checked is something inside the shoes which is making the child cry. Until complete satisfaction, she put on his shoes back. She missed 3 trains just for her baby’s satisfaction and there was not enough space in the train as well. She did not get on those tubes. She get on the 4th tube which was enough vacant for her baby. I waited for her and keep watching whole scenario. She was standing during whole journey and keeping an eye on her baby. Emotional moment for me. Compelled and mesmerized my tears to come out. Though I changed the seat to hide my feelings and tears.

This moment was not inspiring but shocking and increased more respect of mother in my eyes. 14-11-2012, I was coming from job in night time on the bus a guy sitting on my back seat was talking with someone over the phone. During his conversation he told another person that he is just waiting for mother's death as he is being irritated by his mother's condition and after her death he will be able to get the papers of property. It was very shocking for me in hearing and compelled me in deep thinking that despite of having my big body, strength I would never ever be able to even imagine about the pain which a mother feels 9 months, in fact after that too. When we cannot even tolerate a small indigestion pain in stomach or any small pain or wound in body how a mother tolerates heaviest pains of life, unimaginable. They have to face lots of sacrifices mentally and physically for the safety of her child and there are some peoples exist in the world who are waiting for the demise of their parent(s) so that they could get freedom, money, property etc. Isn't so shameful? There are children who waste their time on internet, modern gadgets or pass their time and talking with sometimes strangers on internet sitting miles away but not willing to spend some sympathetic moments with parents present inside the same house or they do not bother to call them to say at least hello hi if they are not living with them.

I have seen many parents taking stress, pains but still offering their children seat(s) in buses, trains but only few times I have seen children offering to the parent(s). Once I was travelling in central line from Harrow underground station to oxford circus, a simple, decent beautiful girl holding her and her parents' umbrella, and other stuff in one hand and with her another hand holding her old mother's hand and her mother holding her

husband’s hand were getting on the train. I was standing and first 2 seats became vacant. She was first but instead of sitting first she offered both seats to her parents who were following her and luckily all of sudden one more seat became available as the passenger of that seat realized suddenly to get off at that station. While travelling she was often looking at her parents in a caring, kind, loving way and passing smile to her mother with kindness. She was attentive and responsive towards her parents during whole journey so that her parents do need to do some extra effort to get her attention and she also offered them water by herself. I was keep staring that pleasant, lesson oriented, inspiring moments. Those were really mesmerizing. I was keep thinking that her parents might be lucky and proud of her daughter. I could not encourage myself due to crowd of people to say some good words or appreciate to that girl but I had positive thoughts / words for them specially for that girl. I think she got that seat as a reward of offering seats to her parents first.

One day, evening time, I was travelling in tube from South Kensington to Hornchurch, a lady was standing whole (almost) journey holding the buggy of her baby. She tried to sit but she could hardly sit for 5 minutes because her baby started crying. When she get off at Hornchurch station, the tires of buggy stuck in the gap between platform and train, she become worried, she tried to take out the buggy but she was unable when the doors of train were closing the doors bumped with the buggy though nothing harmful happened but she screamed so loudly and started crying but after help of few peoples the buggy was taken out of the gap and remained safe but that lady was keep weeping like a baby and keep saying, "My baby, my baby...", she was holding the baby in her hands and cuddling the baby and keep weeping. What an emotional moment that was. I could never forget that screaming, weeping. I often think how many times a mother has to save her baby from dangerous incidents, things and we children, in return what we do? We never ever even bother to think about that.

One night I was working in a restaurant as a waiter. At 8:30 p.m. a Lady with her 3 sons, one of them was mentally not well entered into the shop and sat at a corner chairs with

table. The eldest son was sitting with his youngest brother sitting in front of his mother and she was sitting beside the middle one. I have had never seen them before in my 3 months working period. The age of sons would be around 6, 9 and 10. The lady ordered food for them, after 5 minutes their order was ready which I served them. While eating, the sons were keep screaming, annoying, and teasing each other, complaining about each other to their mother. The lady could not eat properly because of her sons’ actions despite of giving their food separately in the boxes and helping his youngest son in eating his dinner. The lady was behaving very pleasantly. Suddenly the middle boy squeezed the bottle of chili sauce into the box of his youngest brother. The youngest one started weeping loudly, his mother tried to shushed him kindly but the son instead of staying quit, he had to take revenge and tried to throw the box filled with food and the bottle of chili sauce onto his elder brother, luckily his brother was saved by mother but unfortunately the chili sauce bottle was strike with the face of mother and some sauce was spilt on to the face of mother and some of the food fell on the floor which made the floor messy. I had been attracted to and slightly looking at that whole lesson oriented (for me) scenario. At that time the shop was also not busy. After spilling of sauce, drink, food, the lady gave me anxious look. I quickly moved towards them with a new filled food box and gave to the youngest boy to make him calm down, the lady thanked to me, while the sauce was still on her face. When her sons became calm down, she went to wash her face. Meanwhile, I started cleaning the mess on the floor, table partly but she suddenly came to me and forbid me very kindly and apologized me for her son's behavior and assured me that she will clean their mess but forbid me twice, very kindly. I noticed, because of chili, her left eye became reddish and tears were keep coming from that eye, I offered her serviettes. She cleaned all the mess, apologized once again and thanked to me, when they were going out of the shop. This whole scenario was keep clicking in my mind and compelling me to realize that how many sacrifices mother has to do, she could not even eat half of her food, she distributed her food among her children; she was helping them in eating, trying to keep the moment pleasant, maintaining her sons' happiness but what she got in result a swelling, reddish eye with pain, anxiety, insult from her own son; she even could not fill her appetite and without

considering anybody else and her pride she cleaned all their mess. OH my days. It was really heart touching. According to modern age, such small things might be ignorable or common things but biggest, biggest lesson for those who understand, realize, think, and care. This scenario put me in deep thoughts. For just half an hour such children have done this, how she would be managing them in the house and how she has been managing them since their childhood. Really, really competent manager or I would say a Leader, according to me. I often see and think parents, they grown their children, made them healthy, strong, successful and in return some children, they show them aggressions, rudeness and answer them that "If you have done for us, that was your responsibility", If that was their responsibility than what the responsibilities of children are towards parents? To taunt them, disrespect them, be rude with them? Isn’t shameful?

Exactly after one hour, 9:30, still I was roaming, realizing, and thinking about the previous scenario, and apologizing, repenting myself internally a young boy around 19-20, in elegant suiting, younger than me, opened the doors and holding his mother’s hand entered into the shop. They sat on the same chairs (table). I was shocked because he had a lots of difference in his outer look than his behavior with his mother and way of talking. I got same positive vibes, feeling on their entrance. I went to them asked their order which was completely mother's choice on request of faithful son. I served them very nicely. They both were very polite, nice especially the lady was very kind. While eating the food, some food and bottle of sauce unintentionally spilled by the mother's hand on her shoes and floor, before she could get the bottle from the floor and clean her shoes, the son immediately bent down and picked up the bottle and requested her mom very kindly to carry on eating and enjoy her food, she told him that she will do but the son again very kindly requested that, “let he be given the opportunity, please.” His mother smiled. After all she was a mother, she did not prefer to continue eating. I move towards them to clean the mess but the son politely stopped me and asked me, "I am so sorry, I clean the mess, please ". I came back to my position and I was observing, he cleaned all the mess on the floor and took out handkerchief from his pocket and clean the shoes of his mother. I have never ever seen in my life such great moment. His mother forbidding him and telling him to continue his food but that gentle guy was faithfully and softly dominating and requested her to let him do that. After cleaning, he washed his hands and starting eating and helping his mother. He was having nice, pleasant conversation with his mother. Meanwhile there were customers including beautiful, hot girls, wearing short dresses starring to him and other vulgar guys cracking jokes with each other and smiling in a teasing way but he did not concentrated on them nor even looked once towards them. He enjoyed the precious moment with his mother. His mother was looking really very happy. During their presence, she was often looking towards me with very kind, sympathetic, motherly look and passing smile, It seemed and I was feeling like she has read my face or she knows about me very well and she is saying to me, "May God bless you", "May God forgive you" internally and at the same moment my eyes became watery, though the tears were not coming out of my eyes. At the end when they stand up to go and left the table, I went there to clean the table, which was not really messy. While, I was cleaning, a softest, lightest weight of hand touch I felt on my shoulder from behind. When I turned back, I saw the same old lady is standing in a pleasant, smiley face and asked me, "Did you make your parents happy?” I was shocked and slightly felt shivering. I did not know what to say. I replied, "Yes, may be". She again asked me softly, "Did you really make your parents happy?” I replied, "No". She smiled and touched on my arm and advised me, "beg for forgiveness from God and your mother, make your father's life easier and make him happy". I was shocked and sticked in one position. I was speechless and at that moment the tears came out of my eyes. Before I would have said anything, the mother holding his son's hand had gone. These scenario put me in deep thinking, I finished my job at 11:00 p.m. Since then I was keep thinking, what happened with. I was feeling slight changes in my body. I was shivering, nervous, repenting, and weeping almost whole night.

Before

Until the age of 18, I was fine, obliging to my parents, brother. But as I was getting older, growing up I was becoming mean, rude, and arrogant. Often I used to say to my parents, elder brother, "You do not know anything, I know very well, you cannot understand my feelings, you cannot understand me, and you do not know about this, that, you do not know about this modern world, you are at home, you can/do not have to face the world, blah, blah ". I forgot that my brother, who sacrificed for me, he used to teach me, helped me in every problems, difficult situations, assignments, technology, he could not accomplished his engineering studies because of me so that I could study very well and make my family proud. My parents, who gave me life by the blessings of God, nurtured me, dressed me, held me, shouted at me, loved me unconditionally, when I did not know how to speak, when I was a baby, nobody could understand my language what I was saying but my parents were there to understand and interpret, tell others what I am saying; how to walk, how to clean. They were there at that time always to help me, to teach me, to support me, to guide me, to encourage me and now I am saying to them that they do not know, they cannot understand me, so mean I was.

But Later

I realized parents are really parents, they know much better than us. They would have experienced more about life. World is changing we are getting modern but being modern have never meant that we forget our basic ethics, principles, respect towards parents, elders If we cannot follow their advice than at least we can discuss with them, table talk but not rude with them. Parents have always soft, kind side whether they belong to any race, any country, and any religion. The role of parents, I think, is never alterable.

Before

After year 12 of my college, like many, I made my parents cry, my brother cry that I do not want to study in Government University and I was stubborn to study in a private expensive fancyCollege. My mother was advising me, "your father has not enough money to send you in expensive fancyCollege because he is having limited, honest earnings, so please, kindly do not ruin your future. Get educated now, education will always help you everywhere, you can later on study anywhere you want but at least complete your degree from here, please". I do not know why? but might be in teenage I was mentally hypnotized of social cum modern cum fancy world of getting admission in expensive, private institutions whether the quality education being provided there or not by following to irrelevant, wrong persons.

In fact after completing bachelor’s degree from same Government University, I got scholarship from Telecom Company in my country to study and complete some certifications in Telecom field through self-study. The good thing but I did not realize at that time, due to my overestimated thinking about those wrong peoples, my neighbors, my mates whom I was following, that they also applied for that scholarship but they could not get selection even in the initial test and interview but I was selected. I completed and passed the certification after studying whole one year but that was my self-efforts whole one year I passed certification. I was thinking that the company had not done anything for me. I had studied by myself they had not taught me and my colleagues were always doing low mentality discussions, bragging, boasting on their small accomplishments though those were small for me at that time because I got more experience before them but later I ruined and stopped my growth in my field by resigning from that company. I never thought that they financially supported me to accomplish the certifications but I was mentally so irritated, depressed by that environment, such feelings, thoughts that I could not tolerated and survived long enough in that environment. Still, whenever I realize, I would consider myself sinful children, candidate.

I could not stopped there, even then I was unfortunately, mesmerized, became fancy of foreign education, their gimmicky very elegant, sophisticated prospectus, websites, their cheesy marketing techniques, rumors of earning handsome income easily in dollars, pounds, while studying, I refused to study my Masters in Telecommunication Engineering from same government university. Which was my unluckiest, biggest mistake of my life. I decided to go to England and do masters from there and expecting that I will be earning handsome amount by doing white collar, my skills related jobs with very intelligent, sensible, ethical, Cooperative, broad-minded, very professional, role model type peoples, despite of knowing that I am short of money, capital for the foreign fees, initial expenses. I was thinking that I will be studying from very high profile university and working in the very pleasant and growth oriented environment.

But Later

I realized the reality was very far from my thinking, I was wrong. My Government University was much better than the foreign one, I was stubborn to. After coming here I came to know what sort of low quality institute my choice was. It was ready to give you degree on your completion whether you were taught up to the mark / level / quality skills or not. In fact considering London, I also took some short term courses to study but I was very disappointed that after spending heavy amount in shape of fees I just got the certificate of attending the course but in reality that course was really unsatisfied, taught in a very bad way and no exams, no projects nothing. Before it was overly informed about the course, tutor, institute but totally cheesy marketing techniques. There was nothing like that. The tutor was seemed non-professional as far as his position, field were concerned. I repent that I done biggest mistake of my life by missing my past jobs, opportunities, job after scholarship. That scholarship program was much better than the courses which I attended on my own money.

Despite of having competent, required skills, talent the circumstances became so worst, tight for me that I was not even able to get satisfactory jobs one reason was that I had

limited working hours permit in England, I would consider it as an excuse only but the main reason I believe was that I had to get life changing lessons here in England. Which I did. Already it had been written in my fortune.

I had to face such cheap mentality coworkers, irritating environment that realized me the importance of my past.

Now, when I see my old colleagues of institutes, work, Oh My God, almost everybody has been developed, grown up in their respective specialties, skills, fields. Some are working in Kuwait, Canada, Saudi Arabia, India, China, and Pakistan. Some were working as a Lecturer in university, college; some are working as System Analyst, Assistant Project Manager, Project Managers, Mobile Service Engineer, Mobile Telecom Analyst, Spectrum Engineer, Operations Engineer etc. But I was working too far from such jobs, positions, job titles, fields. If I had carried on working according my field skills in the past, definitely I would have reached on higher positions until now with fine growth, success.

Almost boasting, bragging, cheap and cheesy marketing techniques in this world. I realized. My previous institutes have been proved better and result oriented for me. Still, whenever I think about those moments, I consider myself sinful, unthankful.

In my life, I forgot to take examples of those guys who were my colleagues at some stages of life who had studied, in government schools, the cheapest in fees, not even in English medium. But at the time of admissions in famous medical, engineering universities they were selected in a very high profile English medium institutes, and some of those who had studied in private schools were unable to pass. Those guys are now doctors, engineers just because of education. They did not follow the fake modern lifestyle. Now they are capable of spending their life easily. I am repenting.

Before

My father often used to ask me to join, help him in the shop as he is getting older or until I get a stable job. My elder brother often helps him, still, but I was feeling proud. I often refused to him by saying to him, "still I am so young, this is not my age to work, boys of my age, my friends are enjoying and I have to work". After graduation I used to reply, "That is not my field of work, it’s so cheap to work in the shop, my friends will think badly about me, what the people will say a Network Engineer working in a small shop". I was leaving the jobs again and again but my father was remained supportive in getting me stable jobs.

I used to taunt my family when they not overly, tell about my good skills during general discussions with my neighbors or with their friends but I used to discourage them because I was mentally scared / dominated by the peoples, my friends having apparently luxurious life. I could not consider my positive intellectual skills, abilities.

My neighbors, friends, my parents' friends' children, financially stronger, I used to consider them as a role model, I was trying and always looked at their luxurious life and used to degrading my real ability, skills, talent. Some of them have become alcoholic.

But Later

I had to tell, when I was asked, that I am working in a butcher shop, fish monger, waiter, chef at kebab shop, chicken shop, fish shop, labor, cleaner. So shameful / degraded for me despite of having fully qualified skills, talent but unfortunately bad luck because of my own actions.

Before

My father used to hold my hand even until my teenage whenever we were walking on / near the road, footpath or crossing the roads. I used to taunt to not hold my hand I can / will cross by myself. I was so mean / unable to understand his attention, love, feelings.

It’s so hard in our country to go by walk in the hot weather condition. He used to send me in the public transport but never let me walk too much on feet. Even despite of his old age, not good health he was walking long miles because of financial instability and I used to blame him he is so mean. I used to demand, "why you do not buy bike, car, why are you being so stingy??” He was earning money by hard working, honestly. If he had money why would he give pain to himself 40 *C sometimes more than that he was walking. He used to hold stuff / groceries in one hand and from another hand he used to hold my hand sometimes also holding groceries in same hand along-with my hand but never let me feel pain by holding weight in my hand.

It's so hot in our country and due to higher electricity bills. My parents often switched off their room’s fan but keep fan of our room switched on so that we could sleep peacefully, easily. They were unable to financially tolerate heaters there but I was thinking they were stingy. But it's really very expensive in our country to tolerate bills, purchase such stuffs for honest earner. When we were kids, I remember because of load shedding of light by the electricity department my parents used hand fan specially my mum to not let us feel hot. But I hardly ever used hand fan for my parents.

But Later

In England when I could not get the job of my skills, talent, white collar thus I had to walk miles for jobs due to heavy expensive fares, shop by shop, apply for cheap, odd jobs. Which became my fortune, harsh tutor for the time being though I am changed now and upgraded.

I was forbidden strictly by the landlords of house to not switch on the heater and in some other houses I had to keep the heater off and tolerate the coldest weather, shivering considering the high bills because I had to pay high bills because of misuse of electricity by other roommates (I had to sacrifice). Circumstances realized, taught me sacrifices in England. How my parents were managing the budget, cold weather, hot weather and many things, I realized a glimpse.

Before

I used to ask too many questions and many times asked same question repeatedly in my childhood from my parents but I always got the answers politely, patiently, happily with smile face, with cuddle, love, affection, kindness, tender hands on my face, head. But when I grew up, when my parents asked from me or inform me something regarding me, for my betterment, for my advantage. I often taunt them, I became irritated, I used to scold them sometimes. How mean I was.

I was often feeling irritation whenever I tried to advise them, teach them, let’s suppose to guide them about mobile phones, about my field. It was taking them long to understand that, which was never their fault, mistake.

I used to not discuss my matters with my family, they were keep requesting me, encouraging me to share my ideas, griefs with them but I was rarely doing that. At some point I had in my mind that I am now grown up. Never thought that all credits go to my parents, brother. Before my parents were scared of my angriness, sadness, taunts because they love me a lot and they knew that I do not like repeated things, advises, discussions, instructions. They were not being able to guide, advice, make correction of me because they were thinking I could get angry, become sad, I would taunt them. My parents were so cautious of my sadness that they were conveying their advices, messages through my elder brother. What an unluckiest son I was. Really shameful for me.

I used to think sometimes that I should live alone, live separate from my family or I used to think that,” I wish when I get enough money I will live separately, I will be so happy by living alone; I feel boring, irritating, annoying with my family; I do not need them now, I have become life experience”. The worst wish of life. I also tried 2-3 time to leave my house but unluckily (according to past thoughts) but luckily (present and future thoughts) that it could not become possible. I never realized how much sever pain they would have felt if even they had heard about that thing. Thanks to God that I never intentionally or unintentionally said such thing in front of them.

But Later

In England, during my jobs, customer services, I was often asked same questions, same things, informed about same things by irritating, annoying customers, coworkers, roommates, employers who often do such things deliberately. They sometimes fought with me because of their habits but I often remained patient by considering my past moments. Such realizations often made me cry internally. Perfect realization though. In London, I was experiencing such scenarios by narrow minded people, by working with them, living with such people. I believe that my unluckiest time period was started being written in my fate when I started making my parents sad, the biggest sin of my life. Some of the peoples I was working with were those who even did not bother to accept my common sense based advises. I often used to think why I became so mean, why I never thought that my parents who nurtured me, taught me when I was even not able to speak, deliver proper words but my parents were there to understand and teach me and when I grew up how I could have become more intelligent than them, how could I ignore their importance. Shame on me. I really feel unlucky.

I realized their importance, values in their absence. I realized being children of parents, have we ever thought should we speak to parents at least once in a day or once in a week, no matter we are grown up or we have now our own family, whether they need us or we need them or not. Should we call them, speak with them politely, gently, kiss on

their forehead, hug them, kiss and hold those tender hands which were holding our small hands and taught us walking, done our cleaning and kept us clean and hygienic; softly help them. Carers are helping them for shopping, have we ever taken them for shopping? Or at least have a word with them?

I realized, I was never grown up, life experienced person in front of them. In fact I was far from that. I believe that it is so painful to live apart, far from family. It could not be that much painful for the child but for parents I cannot even imagine about that pain cum feelings. The reality is I have never felt happiness even for one moment by living far from parents, family. I remember when I was on job or in university, sometimes I had to come late at home, my parents became so worried that they were keep calling me on my phones asking about the reasons or when I am coming back to home?, have I eaten food or not? etc. They are really blessings, family especially parents are blessings, gifts from God. The companion of sorrows, griefs, happiness without thinking, expecting advantages, benefits for their own, unconditional lovers of child.

13-5-2013, I met with a girl who was working in a bank. During conversation, she said to me she wants to move somewhere else and wants to leave her parents' house. When I friendly asked any special reason. She replied, "Just for fun, it's so boring now living there, I want to move with my friends, we friends want to live together and have some fun, enjoy the life.” This reply made me gloomy. When she asked me with curiosity, "why do you do odd jobs in spite of having high skills, qualifications?" I replied,” I have to do and face as a punishment of my disobedience, defiance to my parents, sibling. Once I was thinking about separation from parents and after those thoughts cum worst wishes I have to live far from my family.”

I wish I could undo those past memorable moments of my life. Parents are blessings, loss of any of them irreparable and irreversible.

It’s getting common nowadays or fashion of a gimmicky / fancy, material modern world that until we need some sort of financial need or any other need we live with parents but when our need has been fulfilled we plan to leave parent(s) house, leave them alone. If some of us are rich than either we shift them to the home care, it does not matter how nice it is or we make them a big house, flat for them to live alone and hire a carer for them. I often think why we forget that parents could have done same thing, they would have left us in child care homes 24/7 but they never did that. In our country it is very hard whether parents are rich or not. Until we are in need of their help in any shape we live with them. They have been always with us. But when they reach to old age they are burden for us. I believe that in the old age parents need some time from their children, instead of only tablets and medicines or care as a formalities by some Carers. They need their child's attention, presence no matter for few minutes. They want from them that at least once they put a small morsel happily, tenderly in their parents’ mouth like they did when we were unable to even learn how to eat or put a morsel in our own mouth. But we often pressurize our parents instead of being polite with them. Strange isn't. I realized and believe, if the word of true love exists than only in shape of mother's love or parents' love after love of God. The love, sympathy, tolerance of parents can never be measurable. I think we do have responsibilities towards them but we never bothered to realize or even think about that. What would you say?

Before

Sometimes, if my parents, brother bought something for me or if I had bought something and they asked just for small share I never used to give them. I sometimes used to hide from them when I bought something for myself.

I used to demand from my father for fruits. My father never made us feel shortage of fruits. I used to eat too much from fridge my sibling never got angry, I was younger.

Sometimes, I used to demand to my mother that, "I want the food quickly or I want only fried food else I will go out and eat the food from outside". At that time I used to eat

dirty, unhygienic food specially rice, fried food from outside. But I unluckily was never able to understand the feeling, hygiene in the home-made food, the love and affection of mother's hand-made food. She used to cook very delicious food. Whenever my mother used to cook French fries / chips, I used to demand for more for me, more for me but due to financial instability, high prices of food in our country it was not possible all the time though my mother used to try. How sacrificing mother she was that she often used to give me more food from her own food, she used to store, separated for me from her own food by telling me different reasons, but in reality she was giving me share from her own food. She sometimes remained hungry but never let me feel that she is hungry, she is sacrificing. Who knew that in future there will be time when I will have to keep eating outside food especially fast food.

But Later

I realized how kind they were that when they had bought for me then they could have bought for themselves as-well or they could have bought only for themselves instead of buying for me. They only wanted to see how much love I had for them in which I used to fail.

There were times when I did not eat the fruits for long time period due to my circumstances. Those moments of taking out and eating fruits’ share of my brother, my parents from the fridge were memorable and unforgettable.

I came to realize that whenever I said to mum or my parents, “I have already eaten food from outside”. They became so gloomy specially mum. I never felt their feelings when they say," you could have called us that you will be coming late or eating from outside”. But I used to say, “I was so busy, could not get time now I am full, I cannot eat any more". But here, sometimes enough time but not easy to cook and then eat.

In England, I was never ever offered by my friends, coworkers, roommates not even a formal offer but I always offered and shared with them. During my stay in London approximately 1 and half year continuously I had to eat outside food where I was working, same food, I was unable to eat the house food or cook for myself due to tiredness, insufficient money, resources. Despite of my offerings to them whenever I bought asian food, I was never ever even offered by my house mates, my coworkers, even though some coworkers had their families but unluckily whenever they brought the food from their house, I was never offered even a fake offer or for formality, they sometimes tried their best to finish before they see me or before my shift started. I realized the importance of home-made specially mother's hand-made food. I was even unable to request anybody to cook or give or share some food with me. I know, I will never ever have the opportunity to eat my mother's hand-made food though I can now cook myself but no comparison of mother's hand-made food. I believe that those kids / children are luckiest who are eating their mother's hand-made food. I realize its' importance, I will miss it forever. But at least now I can cook for my father, my brother at least to heal my sins with my smallest good actions.

Before

Sometimes my parents were keeping an eye on me, stricken with me and forbidden me for bad companionship due to some reasons which they knew better than me but I was, to make my friends happier I was going against of my parents directions. I was not thinking about the consequences. I was encouraged by bad companions for bad habits. At that time I was unable to find or justify anything bad in such habits so sometimes just because of making my friends (actually not real and good friends) happier I was not talking with my parents which made them gloomy, the biggest sin.

I used to get angry of my parents very often and often did not talk with them for long time period without taking care that, how gloomy they will feel.

But Later

I realized that my parents were right because of our dignity and I have seen the current life of those peoples. My future would have ruined and somewhat has affected by following to some of them. Such habits are sin and disrespect for me if I am drinking or smoking in front or in absence of parents. Though I knew it before but I was feeling little bit strange by watching in reality that mother and daughter smoking, drinking alcohol together. I have also seen teenage girls having 1-2 babies standing beside them, in buggy and teenage mothers were smoking cigarettes in front of few years old baby starring and observing to mother’s habits and actions and mother sometimes scolding without any reason to her kids on their every movements, actions, words and they themselves feeling nervous, frustrated, depressed.

In fact I have also seen many children who to make others or their friends happy they tease their parents for them which I think is biggest sin and they could have to regret, bear the loss, might be they could unable to find inner satisfaction, happiness. I realized to consider permanent happiness, we should respect our elders, especially parents. It could not be good to say that some of the guys who taunt other children when they be nice with their parents are those guys who don’t even know who their parents are. Strange wasn’t. Not strange anymore. This seems common might be that’s why some of them, they taunt because they might not understand the importance. When I was kid, I had a friend who didn't know where and who his father is? I know still he has never been able to see or meet with him. He used to crack jokes on other's parents, calling them with different names as a fun and annoying and taunting onto other mates in the name of their parents. But only parents are best friends, they can help to children in any worst condition, they will remain supportive but friends, mates, and colleagues they are just temporary. Some expect benefits, some have bad intentions, and some have greed from you. But I think parents never expect anything materialist, or greed from their child. What they except, some love, respect, affections, companionship for at least few moments.

I realized no matter how much a parent is angry of child though that anger is for child betterment but within few minutes their anger melted down. I remember at the age of 9, once my mother was very angry of me because of my big mistake but while trying to save myself I started running but I fell down from stairs my mom was very angry but when she saw my blood coming from my head, OMG, she become worried, she gave her best of best efforts for me to get well soon. She could not sleep properly whole night often crying, praying from God for me, keep moving her hand on my face, body with love, tender while I was sleeping and passing smile to her in her lap. At that time I was kid but I still remember her tears were dropping on my clothes. I could not feel at that time but whenever I remember, I realize and try to feel her feelings and feel ashamed of my guilt.

Before

Before I was being or pretending to be so proud, hygienic that in meat, chicken, fish markets in my country I used to avoid to enter in those markets due to stinks (the main reason). In the old age of my father when I was asked politely, very softly to buy some meat, fish, chicken products from the market. I used to avoid, ignore, sometimes I straight forward said 'No' to them. When I used to go with my father I avoided to handle those products even though they were fully packed, covered in plastic bags, but some non-sense thoughts, social pressure and immaturity made me crazy. In fact I was not even willing to hand over plastic bags to my Mom for packaging them at home after washing them. I was not even going near to her while she was washing such products for us. But I was always willing and ready first of .all to eat the cooked one. So mean I was.

But Later

Most of the jobs I had to do in England due to my compulsions included Restaurants Chef, fish and chips chef, chicken chef, I had to work as a butcher (most of the time), cleaner in butcher/meat shop. I often had to hold the raw meat, fish, and chicken in my hands, wash them, prepare the food from them. In starting it was hard for me but when I became used to of such things I never thought about that. But I have always realized my past rude attitudes.

Before

Just for fun, enjoyment, joke I used to not praise about my mother's and father's (in rare circumstances) hand-made food. They became gloomy, sad, depressed, and degraded quickly. But for me that was enjoyment though later I used to praise. I used to crake jokes, say falsely in my house's bathroom whenever if my brother came out of the bathroom that bathroom's floor is wet just for enjoyment. But that would have definitely hurt him because I was lying, making fun. I was trying to surprise them.

But Later

I realized if a mother/father had cooked for you by taking too long time and hardworking and served you very well and then you complain, take out mistakes, dislike that food no matter just for fun, joke but obviously it would be very painful for them. I was often taunted, teased, irritated, annoyed by my bosses, coworkers about my cooking, my odd jobs work without caring how hardworking I was doing sometimes in the busiest nights and days. I was assigned duties to keep the washroom, toilets, and bathrooms cleaned, tidy. Filthiest things I had ever done and seen but I had to do. I was made superstitious, tricked, laughed by others. Before I never felt the pain until I realized by myself the same.

Before

I used to feel in presence of my mother that I have shelter. I often used to put my head in the lap of my mum and sleep when I was in teenage. Not describable in words the relief, peace, happiness, tenderness, blessings I used to feel at those moments whenever I was having the kind and loving hands of my mother on my head, face.

But later

I realized my immaturity, childish acts thrown me away from those blessings, rewards. After my mother's demise I have been feeling shelter less because of my mother's absence. Now I miss those tenderness, kindness which I was having through my mother. Those prayers for me, really missing those blessings which I had in her presence. I felt my luck, chances dropping from my hands. Opportunities were on my palm but I was unable to grab them with my fingers. Despite of words in my mouth, I was unable to speak, express my feelings.

Before

I had too many opportunities, offers for work pertinent to my skills, caliber. I remember, once I applied in a telecom company as an intern or trainee job and once in a college for junior position but by the blessings of God, my parent’s prayers, my brother’s help, my skills I was offered direct job and senior positions respectively. I got very well educated, sensible, co-operative, helpful, experienced, friendly seniors, employers, managers, coworkers, and pleasant professional environment very early. They were there to tell, guide, and listen. But I could not understand the importance at that time. I left all those jobs. May be I got too early the professional experience to digest which I think hardly anybody get chance of such professional experience so early in his/ her life. But mental and social immaturity, thoughts made me careless.

But Later

I had to beg for jobs, request to cheap peoples for at least odd jobs who were very down in skills, literally, morally, thoughts and in their actions. Their actions, dodges,

double-faces were biggest proofs and after all that, when I was hired there in the name of training without any pay and despite of all that I was being told that they are doing favor on me by hiring me or by getting me the job when in reality they had their own benefits. I had to face, lived, worked with those peoples of society with cheap, cruel, selfish, non-sensible, arrogant, pretending nature and actions. Often situations became so worst that guiding them, or following them became almost impossible. OH MY DAYS. So irritating those moments were. I realized how kind and better guide my bosses, seniors, employers, managers were in my past. I remember, I often requested few of my employers for my increment in salaries, and those requested were accepted in a very nice way but when during odd jobs, hardest jobs, physically specially, I asked for increment in wages. I was disrespected, rudely responded with swearing, threats of losing jobs. Strange, isn't?

Before

When I was in my teenage I used to do the jobs to cover my expenses but some neighbor women used to tell and advise in jealousy, negative, taunting way to my mother about me, "Why he is doing job, this age is for enjoyment, fun, and from now he has started working. Let him enjoy the life. This is not his age to work. Look at our kids, they are enjoying they do not need to worry about jobs.”

But Later

When their children, some of them my mates came into professional life they started feeling difficulties until they could get the grip on the work but such things never become hurdles or resistance for me in my professional, my skills related jobs. I was always remained confident. Before I also used to think I should not do the jobs, I was angry with my parents. I used to think my parents are so mean, so stingy, and so cruel, they want me to earn money for them. But Later I realized the importance in London and when I came to know about my friends’ situations, positions. My parents were encouraging me for jobs for my own beneficial and bright future.

In teenage, I was some accompanied by big, very high profile personalities during my jobs. I learnt to some extent accounts, legal matters, marketing, computers, lots of knowledge may be that’s why I became arrogant. I was having enough knowledge, nice environment, peaceful, white collar, pleasant jobs but I could not realize the importance of such nice things at that time I was unthankful and thinking wrong. But when I was seeing many peoples here who were able to learn such things here in England at the age of 22-26, many of them through some funding, money or support of someone and despite of all those facts they were bragging, boasting in a very excitement, with curiosity about small things in front of me were really degrading, frustrating, depressing, discouraging for me. But I was luckier that I learnt such things prior before the age of 19 years. Thanks for God, parents. I came to realize about the importance of my past when bad things were happening with me i.e. I was serving fish, kebabs, chicken to some of those newbies who were often disrespectful in behavior. But those experiences at teenage really helped me a lot, a lot in my life. In London I realized specially the sense of responsibility, mental maturity, financial management, time management, professionalism.

Before

My parents, sibling also guided me, sometimes they said to me when they get annoyed, depressed, frustrated at high level that, "Do not annoy that much that you could not tolerate in future in your life, you could be faced in a same way from your children". But I always immaturely passed, ignored those moments with cheeky laughs, smiles, sentences in a teasing and taunting way and replying that, "I will grow up nicely to my children".

But Later

I think it was in my fate that I should be sent here to get life changing, unexpected, unimagined lessons, and to realize the importance of my parents and siblings. I considered their positions while the same things were happening with me. I realized that I could not even grow up myself very well how I could grow up, nurture, and nourish my children better than my parents in the tough world. They were marvelous, better than me. I had really behaved badly with them. I respect to them, to their tolerance, and my apologies to them. I apologize to my parents, my siblings, and I really mean it and I am not feeling any hesitation in that and I would suggest to all those disobedient children to respect their parents.

In London during my work time, I used to see the kindness and sweetness of mothers and bad responses of kids even mature children but the parent especially mothers were always quiet, tolerating, kind. In fact often children were taunting to mothers. I wish at that time I could advice to that child, but it could have been weird feeling to be advised by strangers or my advice could have made them more angry, aggressive towards me or more rude to their parents. So to realize them about their bad behavior which became one of my reasons to share my experiences, my true personal life experiences, the ups and down of my life through this book.

Before

My mother was awaken, waiting for me for lunch, dinner, breakfast but I was eating outside, not eating on time, too busy about thinking mum's feelings

But Later

In London no body to wait for me, nobody even offered the food even when I was working pizza shops my coworkers, who pretending to be sympathetic, used to order food from outside they used to hide food from me so that they will not have to offer me food just for formality. Even they did not ask me to give a share so that we together had bought or ordered some Asian food from outside.

Before

I never bothered to take my utensils back from the sink. Wash them. Never care about washing clothes, utensils etc. Often my brother asked me to keep the house clean but I was replying with defiance that, "who are you to say me, you are nobody to worry about that mum will do, why do you interfere". He often asked me, "she is your mother, you should respect her". But my mum often end-up the matter very kindly and my brother often used to do the cleaning of the house by trying to remain calm and kind.

Instead of ordering to me, which I was my responsibility to follow, my parents used to do the cleaning of whole house specially my respectable mother. I remember whenever the sinks of our houses, were knowingly, unknowingly blocked by me. Instead of calling to someone and paying them which was quite expensive and such things were normal by me deliberately or unknowingly. They properly wearing plastic gloves used to clean those places so that we do not feel any kind of headache while using those sinks, but I used to make jokes, taunt, and laugh.

If sometimes my brother wore my clothes I was arguing with him and stubborn that I will not wear that cloth again.

I was sometimes pretending to be so hygienic, proud. I was often the reason of sadness in house because my mother had cooked the food in house and we had eaten from outside on my demands and in house I was bragging that dad has bought me outside food and we are not eating at home which made angry, gloomy to my mother.

But Later

In England I had to work as a waiter. Cleaning, bringing the un-cleaned, filthy utensils of others back for washing. Such task became usual part of my jobs. In fact during food shops jobs I was assigned duties of cleaning such dirtiest places no matter whether these places were made dirty often more deliberately than unknowingly. I missed everything of my back home. Salute to mum, I really mean it. May her soul rest in peace. These small things really hurt parents they never express but they really do, because they have deeper ocean of love, affection for us. We will always remain kids for them, my belief.

During my odd jobs I had to do most of the cleaning work and in house I have to do cleaning by myself. Some of the bosses, so called managers could not even speak proper English, they specially knew f*** off. When I sometimes made legit complaints about flattering coworkers of boss/manager or his relatives or asked from him to change my duties despite of being working same task for long time but they sometimes used to reply me with such sentences i.e. " F*** off, if you want to do the job than do otherwise f*** off from here". Which was quit immoral, rude, irritating and lesson oriented.

Due to the odd nature of jobs, I had to wear sometimes the stinky T-Shirts of my old workers (who left the job) or coworkers' T-Shirts, trousers. Often some of my coworkers, who sometimes not even take shower for whole weeks, do not even bother to consider that it is other's stuff, wear my T-Shirt and thus to continue the shift I had to wear the same T-Shirt again. Some of my roommates were using my towels, clothes, and my personal stuff in my absence despite of my preventing.

Before

I do not know why but I was not arrogant with my university mates because I learnt by my own hardworking but my surrounding people were thinking I am arrogant, proud but I was optimistic. During university time I had lots of new projects to develop with my mates but because of few bad intentional guys’ actions, attitude I was avoiding to almost everyone. Might be I was stereotyped because of few boasters, selfish guys I was considering everybody same which in reality not true.

There were some seniors related to my field who were friends of my brother. My brother often used to asked me follow them, take guidance from them, requested them that they will help you in getting, referencing you in getting job. They knew I have talent, skills, but he was thinking they could help me but in reality they were just proud, just braggers, boasters, degrading me. whenever I used to meet with them they were just boasting about themselves, no any positive discussion, they were discouraging me, when I requested them to pass my C.V in their companies than instead of passing they were degrading me, discouraging me some just asked me to email them but they never passed on to their companies. Such guys were just bragging about themselves, their high fake salaries amount to my brother. Some guys were working as freelance, they were just having registration not earning money but pretending themselves as a big earners

But Later

I came to know about mates, who were positive before, all of them are on nice, stable jobs, positions. Many of my juniors have got good jobs, higher positions. I was never arrogant and against of their color, level of education or place they had come from but because of some other peoples, their level of thinking, mentality, basic ethics, actions despite of moving to the developed city. And those cheap guys are still on their same position, no growth. Some of them are doing small level odd jobs. But here I saw worst conditions comparatively to those happened prior.

Before

If sometimes my brother became ill I was unwilling to give support to him, I was not even going near to him while he was vomiting. But my parents were there always to support, to help him and for each other and for me in cleaning, supporting. I don’t know why? Why? Why? I became so mean that I was not properly holding his hands the most important exam of my life. The parents who grew me when they never felt shy, hesitated, unhygienic, avoided in cleaning me when I was unable to even walk. How could I do like that. I was so mean. Due to my rude behavior at that time my brother knew about that that's why he often did not tell me if he is ill or not feeling well. In fact when he vomited he locked the door of toilet so that my mood does not get ruined, I should have not felt bad. Oh my days, so kind and caring my family was but I was sinner, I failed those exams.

But Later

The world is round. During jobs I had to clean the drunkest persons' vomiting specially or almost every weekend in the restaurants, fish shops, stores, restaurants, car cleaning shops, other shops where I had worked and the boss was deliberately calling me because of jealousy, I was the junior or I would say my own past actions' punishment. I had to do that cleaning, which I did and remembering those past moments, kindness of my kind parents. At home I was regretting, recalling my memories and crying. I begged pardon first I prayed that may nobody in my family get ill but incase if, ever they get minor illness, I will be very happy or I would be happiest to stand first of all with them for their care.

Before

My parents often when I crossed the limits many times they warned me that never feel so proud, arrogant never consider yourself superior or I sometimes being unthankful. My parents asked to me, “always be thankful”, but I was always thinking I am nothing, I do not have anything. Though I knew that I have talent, best education, skills by the blessings of God and prayers of my parents. I was considering my family down just only on the basis of money, my friends in neighbors were financially stronger but our family was more intelligent. I was always giving their examples but never considered our positive things, key skills. My father also used to say me, "Do not try to put your feet in others' shoes, Always be thankful and trust on skills, talent which God has blessed you, you have got talent, you can get all such things by your hardworking in future, you should not degrade yourself, always remain balanced". My friends were going to foreign countries but pretending in the home country very high profile, I was feeling degraded, depressed myself in front of them.

But Later

I came to know after coming here that such guys were just pretending they were not studying but just doing odd jobs, fun. My friends were nothing they were not even able to pass the entry test for universities, some of them even did not study until college, and they just got the degree by sitting at home on financial basis, not on skills, by study. In fact they were getting admissions in big private universities on financial basis. If I see them now, even before in front of my nature of jobs they were not earning equivalent to me. I was earning more than them. In fact If I had continued my those jobs, I would have been on higher positions nowadays with higher salaries and until now I would have my own big house, car but because of following to wrong peoples, wrong desires, paths I diverted from actual path of my life. They were just financially stronger, there relative used to come from foreign countries their children were not having manners, just pretending to be nice, they used to speak English but street languages, slangs, their style was like street gang boys, vulgar, not decent, well educated. I never considered these points. Their families did not make the properties by themselves, those all were granted to them during old times.

Before

To full fill my crazy demand of study in London, my father took the loan against our small house, my elder brother has to do long hours of two jobs. My father had to spend more hours on our shop. Without caring anybody, I was standing firm on my demand of master's degree from London. I had very little savings. My family did everything for me. I remember, even if my face, while just sitting and doing nothing, ever became gloomy for no reason but my mother prompted me and ask me why am I gloomy? Is everything alright? Sometimes even I did not realize that was my face really gloomy? But when she prompted me, she asked me so kindly that immediately I feel relaxed. I was blindly taking disadvantage of kindness of my family. I was so blind that I could not see hardships, tolerance, sacrifices of my family. I was keep emphasizing on my family to send the complete fees to university, though it was not necessarily an issue but mesmerized by the fake, misleading, cheesy, superstitious guidance, more and high commissions of agents of foreign colleges. Even during the last moments of my arrival to UK, I was not completely satisfied, not happy.

I was often remained unhappy. My family often used to say me I have too much pride in myself, which I should not have. I should always be down to earth. I was always following my friends (not real friends) or guys of around my ages of my area. Many of them were not even intelligent, sharp. I used to devalue myself. They were just living luxurious life having fancy electronic gadgets. They were studying pretending to be very elegant only and only because of their parent's money, no matter how it was earned. Comparatively to them I was sharper, intelligent, sports wise active but only financially not stronger. They were having big friend circle, rich, that’s why I could never bring forward my true skills, abilities which could dominate but I was feeling and making myself being dominated by them, which ruined my abilities, caliber and my own mistakes, weaknesses pushed me backward.

But Later

I realized my mistakes, sinful attitudes, life changing experiences have opened my eyes, taught me a lot and have made me soften and kind. My heart and arrogant feelings have completely melted down, cooled down. My previous actions were completely my immaturity.

Before

My friends were having many girlfriends and colleagues in private colleges and universities, I was curious. I was demanding to enjoy that fun by taking admission in expensive, namely private college and universities.

But Later

I realized such things are so common and easy in this world nowadays that such things do not worth any more for me. I repent on wishing for such things.

Before

My mother was cooking for us, I sometimes used to sit near my mother while cooking, she was sitting on the floor and the stove was on the floor, it was hard to make roti / chapatti (Asian bread) while standing. The place near stove was very hot but my mother never ever let me to sit near that and emphasized politely to "get rest or do other work, I will call you guys" though she was sweating while cooking because of hotness. How caring she was. My mother's hand / skin often got burned while cooking fried food / other food. She often gave us precautions, asked us to avoid standing, take care. She never ever let us get our skin burnt, but still due to my negligence when I got burned, she get worried and tried her best in the healing my wounds.

But Later

In England, when I was working in kebab shops, fast food shops, I had to stand directly in front of the kebab Standing stove, grill standing for long hours. Often, I got my skin burnt because of working near stoves, hottest oils but unfortunately nobody was there to even help / care. I was taunted in fact with such sentences that "work properly, are you blind, sleeping, idiot".

I have seen that there are some people who are despite of being millionaires, unable to look after their parents, their parents are being cared by others. There are some who are not willing to see their parents for once in a week, month. They are living separately so that they do not get disturbed because of their parents. I think such persons might be unlucky. I know the loss of mother, pain of separation from parents, sibling. I have seen some rich person who even did not attend the funeral ceremony of their parent. Once my friend in front of me went inside the room of his employer informed him that, "Your wife has just called on office number to urgently inform you that your father is no more” and his employer while holding his cellphone and talking with somebody else stopped talking and replied to my friend angrily, " it's good that he has died, what the f*** I do if he has died, f*** off from here and shut the door". The parents for whom the birth of their child is greatest joy of their life and then some unlucky, arrogant child pass such comments on their demise, isn't it so shameful, rude, unethical, disrespect or I would say biggest sin of life. What would you say?

Before

I was always keeping beard at the time of university, college, job places. Always my parents, brother, sometimes my friendly employers advised me to remain clean shaved all the time, along-with your skills, caliber but my childish reply was that, "bearded, out-look is nothing only caliber, skills are everything", but in reality out-look, personality, appearance do matter.

But Later

In England even for cleaning jobs, butcher shop, car wash, labor jobs, kebab shop, restaurants everywhere I was emphasized deliberately by the employers to shave the beard regularly. I had to remained clean shaved while cleaning the bins, moping the floor, chopping the kebabs but most of the times I was keeping beard while working as a Network Administrator, Telecom Engineer, doing white collar jobs in a pleasant environment in my past.

MY SUCCESS MY PARENTS MY FAILURE MY DEFIANCE

Tuesday

LIFE CHANGING STORY

DEDICATION

PREFACE

SOME EXEMPLARY, INSPIRING EXPERIENCES IN ENGLAND

Blog Archive

Defiant Telecom Engineer